The Purity Movement & Modern Marriage Pt. 1
As a youth, I remember going to a church where a True Love Waits rally was being held. It would happen annually around Valentine’s Day, and it was dedicated to the message of sexual purity. The message was to wait for marriage before you had sex. This topic has historically been a silent one throughout Church history and, as an effect, in the homes of those labeled “Christians.”
This generation of young people who had been taught the rose illustration has caused severe mental and spiritual trauma. If someone had sex with someone outside of marriage and then married someone else, it was as though they had somehow been tainted and not made pure. Women have often been the target of shaming. If a woman had sex outside of marriage, she was often called “slut” or some other variation. If a man had sex, he wasn’t ridiculed but often congratulated.
Where did this all begin?
Purity in the 90s
Parents raising their children in the 90s were products of the 1960s free love movement. While not every parent indulged in these activities, the events played a role in their concern about sexual purity in their children. Since parents have seen what comes from decisions made as a teen or young adult, they want their children to avoid such consequences.
What evolved was a nationwide movement aimed toward abstinence until marriage. In the 90s, AIDs became the number one killer for males between the ages of 25–44. There were an estimated one million pregnancies, 521,626 of those being actual births, among women in the age range of 15–19 years old in 1990 alone. The number of sex partners per person also increased.
Evangelical pastors were trying to find ways to ground a new generation in the purity of the Bible, and that’s when a youth ministry consultant from LifeWay Christian Resources came up with True Love Waits. Churches would later adopt the concept and the movement took hold.
As often with a panicked generation, possible over-compensation does occur.
Rings and Balls, Pledges For All
One of the key aspects of this purity movement in the late-90s into the new millennium was the pledges taken to remain abstinent until marriage. To quote the film “Robin Hood: Men in Tights,” there would be no ding-ding without the ring. Or as a basketball coach once told a group of sweaty high schoolers, “You have to commit if you’re going to marry.” He was referring to committing to driving to the basket, but it was a good analogy.
To go along with these pledges were purity rings worn by celebrities such as Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, and others. It acted as a wedding ring, to remind the wearer of a promise made to remain abstinent. They wore it as though to remain loyal to someone they had never met.
There were also purity balls where fathers took their teenage daughters for a night of dancing and pledging to be an example of purity and integrity for their daughters.
Whiplash from Purity
A look at the data shows that sexual activity among teen girls and boys (15–17, 15–18, respectively) did significantly drop between 1995–2002. Teen pregnancies over the next 30 years also saw a tremendous reduction. The only question is: did purity culture have anything to do with this?
A 2009 study shows that those who pledged their purity and those who did not, do not differ. In fact, a large portion of those who pledged to stay abstinent actually denied ever pledging. Moreover, the book that became the main resource for young people about purity was Joshua Harris’s book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”
In his book, Harris spoke about the pitfalls of dating, the dangers of giving your heart to potential heartbreak, and not kissing until marriage. As the years went on, there became increasingly visible scars on the generation. There came shame for having sex before marriage, and disappointment for those who waited until marriage. As Harris puts it in his criticism of the book:
There are other weaknesses too: in an effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices (not dating, not kissing before marriage) and concepts (giving your heart away) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, it instilled fear for some — fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken. The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy-ever-after ending — a great marriage, a great sex life — even though this is not promised by Scripture.
Harris also mentions that the “sales pitch” of the purity movement was misdirected. It made it seem like sex in marriage was better than out of marriage, and put shame on those who had not saved themselves for marriage. Whereas Grace was grossly overlooked.
In his book “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’,” Dave Harvey writes: “The appreciation of a massive debt forgiven (our sin against a holy God) forms the base and starting point for our forgiveness of one another’s much smaller (by comparison) offenses.” And: “we do not truly grasp the good news of Jesus Christ in the gospel until we see that our sin against a holy God is a far greater injustice than anything that could be done to us.”
Sex, Purity, and the Bible
Harris admits that he still thinks abstinence is important. But is it a deal-breaker in a relationship if a partner isn’t someone’s first? What might a modern look at purity through the Church’s lens be? The target for many when criticizing sex and marriage in the Bible are the first people: Adam and Eve.
Adam and Eve were not married but aided in the growth of the population. Keep in mind that Genesis 1:26a says “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” It refers to the race of Man, not just the gender. Adam and Eve were the first but that hints at God creating others.
When they eat the forbidden fruit, in Genesis 3, all three parties involved are punished. For Eve, God multiplied her pain in childbearing and birthing would come with pain, Adam would have difficulty in working the land, and the serpent would crawl on their belly and have its head crushed.
Marriage and sex were made by God but the institution did not come until much later. Marriage was when “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, ESV). This definition of marriage, if you will, brings into speculation what is so special or sacred about marriage.
